Prisoner Cell Block H - A Dummy's Guide

During the late 80s I was seriously into clubbing (those who know me now would laugh incredulously at that) and would regularly get home in the early hours of the morning. Unable to sleep, I would often switch on the TV and wind down. Depending on the night, there were two shows which I favoured. The first was Hitman and Her, a total classic and one which no doubt I shall evaluate at a later date. The second was Prisoner Cell Block H. This Australian soap opera (just titled Prisoner over there) ran from 1979 until 1986 and simply put, is a masterpiece.


The setting is a womens prison in Melbourne - Wentworth Detention Centre.
The story is unique amongst prison dramas in that we see things from the perspectives of both the inmates and the officers. All the major prison guards (affectionately known as "screws") have backstories and some of them are truly heartbreaking. However it is the goings-on within the walls of Wentworth that really got me hooked.

The characters? Well, you get a mix of killers, hoodlums, shoplifters, child-abusers, hookers and all manner of assorted scum.

 And some of these characters are absolute gems.

Bea Smith ("Queen Bea")

Take Bea Smith - the first "top dog" inmate. Killed her husband's lover, got locked up, let out after her sentence was served, only to kill her husband and wind up back inside within 48 hours. Her memorable scenes are too many to mention, but in the very first episode, we see her force a young inmate's hand into the laundry press - the burn is simply to teach her a lesson. But "Queen Bea" was a sympathetic character and a mainstay of the show for more than half its run.

Lizzie - everybody's favourite old lush

Elisabeth Josephine Birdsworth, known as Lizzie (or "Birdbrain" on occasion) provided some of the abundant humour - always fond of a tipple, she had been locked up for poisoning a group of sheep shearers, although she was later found to be innocent. She was released on more than one occasion but found life on the outside tough, so was only too happy to commit a new offence and be brought back in.

Riot at Wentworth

The first (and best) governor of the prison was a rather upmarket woman, seemingly modelled on Lady Penelope of Thunderbirds fame. Erica (pronounced, at least by herself, as "Air-ka") Davidson was wonderfully calm in a crisis (bomb scare, terrorist siege, blah blah blah) and her perfectly-coiffured hair was surely a talking-point in the staff canteen.  Superbly bland comments were her signature: "that is a very serious accusation" or "I shall have to look into this matter" were commonplace. But she was fair and to her credit, she did have a rather fancy line in tweed suits and neck scarfs.

Joan "The Freak" Ferguson

Most people will remember the "bad screw" Joan Ferguson. Or maybe you would know her by her nickname - "The Freak". This predatory lesbian officer, with a penchant for the young, pretty ones, was truly a stroke of genius on the part of the writers. Before long, she had terrorised half the inmates, impromptu body searches whilst wearing black leather gloves quickly becoming her trademark.

The series showcased some fairly controversial topics - rape, child pregnancy, racial hatred - and must have been ground-breaking back in the day. Early in the series, for example, there is a riot and one of the officers is mudered with a pair of scissors. The culprit is discovered by the other inmates and they shave part of her hair off to mark her. The whole scene is pretty strong stuff.

Noeline Burke and Doreen Anderson

So why do I love this show so much? Well I must love it, as I have recently started to watch the whole thing from start to finish (692 episodes) for the third time!

I enjoy it because of the characters primarily - who could fail to fall in love with Doreen and her teddy bear or Pixie and her obsession with weddings (in for bigamy) or the unfortunate Noeline Burke ("Burke by name, burk by nature")?

My favourite character? Right now I would say that has to be officer Vera Bennett. Vera is the archetypal spinster, dowdy and bitter and has earned herself a rather unflattering nickname.

Vera "Vinegar Tits" Bennett - a true legend

A wonderful illustration of why I love this show so much is a brief scene between Vera and one of the inmates, Marilyn Mason...

Mason (a prostitute) has recently been returned to Wentworth and is being escorted to her cell by the infamous Miss Bennett. True to form, Vera cannot help provoking her.

"What does it feel like to be without a man, Mason?"
"I don't know...you tell me, Miss Bennett."

Classic stuff.